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When Your Mother Has Borderline Personality Disorder: A Guide for Adult Children

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Caring for yourself and your relationship with your mom who has BPD. Growing up with a mom who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is difficult—but it’s still possible to have a functioning adult relationship with her. When Your Mother Has Borderline Personality Disorder provides you with crucial information for understanding the patterns behind her Borderline Per Caring for yourself and your relationship with your mom who has BPD. Growing up with a mom who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is difficult—but it’s still possible to have a functioning adult relationship with her. When Your Mother Has Borderline Personality Disorder provides you with crucial information for understanding the patterns behind her Borderline Personality Disorder, as well as the tools you need to start your own recovery process.Find ways to reconcile your complicated thoughts and feelings with straightforward and easy-to-use techniques. You’ll also discover a number of sample dialogues that give you blueprints for safe and secure interactions in a variety of situations.When Your Mother Has Borderline Personality Disorder includes: You, your mother, and Borderline Personality Disorder—Learn why your mother behaves the way she does and how to maintain a relationship with her—without getting hurt. The help you need—Start healing with essential self-care strategies that will help you rebuild your self-esteem, cope with anxiety, protect your family, and more. Research-based tools—Get proven advice based on the most up-to-date approaches for managing a relationship with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder. Get the help you need moving forward with the compassionate guidance of When Your Mother Has Borderline Personality Disorder.


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Caring for yourself and your relationship with your mom who has BPD. Growing up with a mom who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is difficult—but it’s still possible to have a functioning adult relationship with her. When Your Mother Has Borderline Personality Disorder provides you with crucial information for understanding the patterns behind her Borderline Per Caring for yourself and your relationship with your mom who has BPD. Growing up with a mom who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is difficult—but it’s still possible to have a functioning adult relationship with her. When Your Mother Has Borderline Personality Disorder provides you with crucial information for understanding the patterns behind her Borderline Personality Disorder, as well as the tools you need to start your own recovery process.Find ways to reconcile your complicated thoughts and feelings with straightforward and easy-to-use techniques. You’ll also discover a number of sample dialogues that give you blueprints for safe and secure interactions in a variety of situations.When Your Mother Has Borderline Personality Disorder includes: You, your mother, and Borderline Personality Disorder—Learn why your mother behaves the way she does and how to maintain a relationship with her—without getting hurt. The help you need—Start healing with essential self-care strategies that will help you rebuild your self-esteem, cope with anxiety, protect your family, and more. Research-based tools—Get proven advice based on the most up-to-date approaches for managing a relationship with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder. Get the help you need moving forward with the compassionate guidance of When Your Mother Has Borderline Personality Disorder.

30 review for When Your Mother Has Borderline Personality Disorder: A Guide for Adult Children

  1. 5 out of 5

    Holly

    If you are interested in understanding a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder, then look no further because this is by far the best book out there. Dr. Lobel clearly and succinctly lays out what constitutes Borderline Personality Disorder and how best to deal with it. What makes this book unusual is that it is written for adults who have Mothers with BPD. In fact, I believe it is the best resource out there if you have a Mother with BPD. For some, it may be painful to read as it is so on t If you are interested in understanding a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder, then look no further because this is by far the best book out there. Dr. Lobel clearly and succinctly lays out what constitutes Borderline Personality Disorder and how best to deal with it. What makes this book unusual is that it is written for adults who have Mothers with BPD. In fact, I believe it is the best resource out there if you have a Mother with BPD. For some, it may be painful to read as it is so on target in understanding this personality disorder and how it affects those growing up in such a situation. I learned so much from this one book and the sections on changing your relationship and healing oneself were very constructive and beneficial. I appreciated that When Your Mother Has BPD is not bogged down with case history examples. Usually when I read a psychology or self-help book with an abundance of these “stories,” I tend to skip them. But they can be worthwhile in illustrating a point and Lobel has achieved the right mix of them. There can be no doubt that this book will help those who were raised by a Mother with BPD. It explains not only how it affected you and still does but also how to best deal with your Mother. Even if your Mother is no longer alive, you will gain a greater understanding of how she made you who you are and how to change your thinking and behaving that you learn from her for the better. Furthermore, you will come to know that you are not alone and that there are ways to cope and heal. Thank you to Callisto Media - Rockridge Press and NetGalley for an advanced reader copy in exchange for my honest review.

  2. 4 out of 5

    Alienor

    I’m torn between giving it zero stars and 5 stars. This book touches on everything one needs to do to heal from having grown up with a BPD mother - but it avoids the mammoth in the room. It assumes “Your goal is to create a new relationship with your mother that’s healthier than the one you grew up in.” I feel the whole book is saying cheerful versions of ‘when your mother grabs an axe and cuts off one of your limbs, make sure you have a good doctor - and remember to wash the blood of the carpet’ I’m torn between giving it zero stars and 5 stars. This book touches on everything one needs to do to heal from having grown up with a BPD mother - but it avoids the mammoth in the room. It assumes “Your goal is to create a new relationship with your mother that’s healthier than the one you grew up in.” I feel the whole book is saying cheerful versions of ‘when your mother grabs an axe and cuts off one of your limbs, make sure you have a good doctor - and remember to wash the blood of the carpet’’. From ‘you’ll have to be patient with your mother’ to ‘you’ll have to work at not being codependent in future relationships’ to ‘you’ll have to fight off a tendency to depression, anxiety and addictions’, he is showing us how to heal from abuse… by keeping the abuser in our lives. This is abhorrent to me. He never questions the presence of the mother in her children’s lives. We’re supposed to strive to make the relationship better. Fuck that. It borders on manipulation and gaslighting. When you have a BPD mother, any of these issues (absolutely no self-worth, depression, anxiety, addictions etc) can kill you. Definitely we must get better - it’s an almost overwhelming amount of work, I’ve literally achieved nothing else in my life but surviving my childhood - AND I HAVE TO MAKE NICE WITH MY ABUSER ON TOP OF IT??? I have to manage her, give her more chances, try to trust her again??? When my only reason for existing as a child was to manage her and make her happy??! Are you fucking kidding me??! When do I get to live??? In NO OTHER connection with an abuser do people tell you to suck it up/improve it. They tell you to leave, move, change your name and start from scratch. That’s how you survive. Survival is a lot messier than the author seems to think, with his neat little advice in neat little columns. If I hadn’t moved across the world, gone NC (no contact), I never could have rebuilt myself. Never. The fact the author keeps a ‘healthier relationship’ with the BPD breeder as the central thesis of his book makes it morally bankrupt. If one manages to overlook that, the advice he gives is great, if a little glib.

  3. 5 out of 5

    Kristal

    There was certainly some helpful information in this book and I will benefit from having read it. I did find it disturbing how focused it is on coping with the damage that a BPD mother is actively doing in your life rather than questioning if you should continue to. Very little was explored about choosing to go no contact with an abusive mother, and I feel like that’s a pretty important perspective to explore with any discussion of an abusive relationship. If you plan to continue a relationship w There was certainly some helpful information in this book and I will benefit from having read it. I did find it disturbing how focused it is on coping with the damage that a BPD mother is actively doing in your life rather than questioning if you should continue to. Very little was explored about choosing to go no contact with an abusive mother, and I feel like that’s a pretty important perspective to explore with any discussion of an abusive relationship. If you plan to continue a relationship with your mother with borderline personality disorder regardless of how egregious her abusive behavior becomes, this has good strategies for that. I’m just not sure that’s the best path for every child in that situation.

  4. 5 out of 5

    Jenny T

    I devoured this book in a day, but I didn't like it as much as I would have if it didn't advocate staying in contact. I'm glad this book wasn't as full of anger, blame, and personal experiences as others I've read. Instead, this author promotes compassion and setting boundaries with "sick" mothers who, he claims, were overly indulged as children and need not be enabled by letting them get away with poor behavior. Those are good suggestions, in principle, but I don't like how there is no advice o I devoured this book in a day, but I didn't like it as much as I would have if it didn't advocate staying in contact. I'm glad this book wasn't as full of anger, blame, and personal experiences as others I've read. Instead, this author promotes compassion and setting boundaries with "sick" mothers who, he claims, were overly indulged as children and need not be enabled by letting them get away with poor behavior. Those are good suggestions, in principle, but I don't like how there is no advice on how to manage feelings and moving on with your life when you go No Contact. I also don't like how there seems to be little compassion for us, the children of these people, who were often emotionally dumped on and abused and continued to be even as adults. Instead, the author advocates, we should put ourselves aside and try to be understanding (isn't that what many of us were trained to do all our lives?) This advice is a hard order to fill. I wish I could have my mom be in my life without it affecting my mental health and spiritual journey, but that doesn't seem possible right now, and this book doesn't really address that. The author is too dismissing of Borderline Personality Disorder as an illness rather than a behavioral disorder that needs to be taken responsibility for. The book is too dismissing of the children/victims of Borderline mothers.

  5. 4 out of 5

    Sarah

    This book is so well written. It validates experiences with amazing detail and is clearly well researched. I truly appreciate the examples and explicit definitions and descriptions throughout the book. This book is complete with strategies, stories, and exercises which makes it all around a great resource. I would highly recommend to anyone who may be a child of a parent with BPD or anyone who wants to better understand this diagnosis.

  6. 5 out of 5

    Lex

    This work was extremely helpful and a great bonding point for me and my sister to compare notes and work on our trauma. While my mother hasn't been officially diagnosed I thought this book would be helpful for my siblings and I as I've had previous partners and friends who have BPD and a therapist who specialized in treating it suspect my mother may have it. This book, while not a diagnosis, made me feel beyond affirmed in my experiences growing up, as well as accomplished for all the work I've This work was extremely helpful and a great bonding point for me and my sister to compare notes and work on our trauma. While my mother hasn't been officially diagnosed I thought this book would be helpful for my siblings and I as I've had previous partners and friends who have BPD and a therapist who specialized in treating it suspect my mother may have it. This book, while not a diagnosis, made me feel beyond affirmed in my experiences growing up, as well as accomplished for all the work I've done on myself before even suspecting my mother may have untreated BPD. I feel like for once I am sane and correct without a cloud of doubt following me. My criticism, is more due to my own experiences, and not on the author. Because I have spent the last 4 years working on myself and my growth, and the last 2 suspecting my mother's condition, I feel as a lot of the advice and exercises were things I have already tried or accomplished and a lot of the advice was stuff I already heard/knew/believed. If anything, that should be wonderful news for any future readers! I think my expectations were to learn something new that I could apply to my own self healing, which I did not get, so that is why I've only put 4 stars. I am not sure *how* fair that may be but I am trying to listen to my own gut/feelings like Dr. Lobel says! I believe, however, that my sibling is getting a LOT out of this book, so I look forward to if she writes a review. We've been discussing a lot each week and its really helped us form an even stronger bond within our relationship and navigating our childhoods and our mental health, especially since we're 10 years apart and essentially have been raised by 2 different moms it seems.

  7. 5 out of 5

    Jennifer M.

    My mom doesn't have BPD, but after reading this book, I definitely believe my grandmother did. As someone who has been in therapy for years and has heard the BPD term many times, I finally realize it was in my family. Just not in the person I originally suspected. This is an informative read. It also gives you advice on how to handle interactions with Borderlines. I feel like I have come across many of them in my life and now have a better idea how to set boundaries and handle them. If anyone in My mom doesn't have BPD, but after reading this book, I definitely believe my grandmother did. As someone who has been in therapy for years and has heard the BPD term many times, I finally realize it was in my family. Just not in the person I originally suspected. This is an informative read. It also gives you advice on how to handle interactions with Borderlines. I feel like I have come across many of them in my life and now have a better idea how to set boundaries and handle them. If anyone in your life has BPD, you might want to pick up this book and just give it a read through. It's short and easy to read, and the advice is sound. Good luck to you! 5/5 Stars

  8. 5 out of 5

    Aaron Golley

    Eye-opening on childhood experiences This book really helped me to identify the damage caused to me by being brought up with a mother suffering with BPD. It was horrible to realise that a book can summarise the way I act and am as a person but it's important to be able to acknowledge why I am how I am to be able to move on. If you are the adult child of a parent with BPD give this book a try. Eye-opening on childhood experiences This book really helped me to identify the damage caused to me by being brought up with a mother suffering with BPD. It was horrible to realise that a book can summarise the way I act and am as a person but it's important to be able to acknowledge why I am how I am to be able to move on. If you are the adult child of a parent with BPD give this book a try.

  9. 5 out of 5

    rebecca bencze

    Short, concise, helpful In this brief book, very practical, well defined, steps to take in coping with a BPD mother are given. I like that it is practical, orderly, methodical and succinct.

  10. 4 out of 5

    Hilary

    Helpful guide for understanding the effects of having a mom with bpd. Easy to read with lots of practical advice for healing from the past and developing a better relationship with your mom in the present. Highly recommend.

  11. 4 out of 5

    Belinda ongong'a

    Great Stories and the examples including steps to help you grow. Realizing my mother has bad and that has caused issues in my life

  12. 4 out of 5

    Hannah Yearick

    Practical and easy to understand Approaches the mother with BPD with kindness, and helps the child understand when and how the relationship can be restored.

  13. 4 out of 5

    Tasha E

    Quick and accurate read. It was so on-the-nose that it was a bit difficult (painful) to read, but it offered many good ideas and reassurances.

  14. 5 out of 5

    Frederick W.

    Aha Excellent diagnostic of Bpd this was an eye opener for why children of these mothers suffer. Very good information on setting boundaries and healing from this programming.

  15. 5 out of 5

    Kerry Pickens

    I am glad to see information published about Borderline Personality Disorder because I think there are great number of people with this category of mental illness who have trouble with their relationships and their jobs. As a adult child of parent who probably has BPD, the emotional detachment and anger can be quite damaging. I believe this book is meant for the generation that lived through the Depression and World II, so there is trauma related BPD that becomes a survival skill. I don't think I am glad to see information published about Borderline Personality Disorder because I think there are great number of people with this category of mental illness who have trouble with their relationships and their jobs. As a adult child of parent who probably has BPD, the emotional detachment and anger can be quite damaging. I believe this book is meant for the generation that lived through the Depression and World II, so there is trauma related BPD that becomes a survival skill. I don't think parents that era are as willing to go to therapy or as self-aware (or self-absorbed) as the younger parents are today. The only issue I have with the book is the concept that people with BPD are aware of their condition, or that they can't get better. I listen to Dr. Daniel Fox's videos on youtube, and there are many, many comments there from BPD patients that are very aware of the impact it has on their lives, and they want to try anything to resolve the issues. May be a generational difference, as I can't see my parent changing in her 80s to be a more compassionate person.

  16. 5 out of 5

    Ashley

  17. 4 out of 5

    Matthew Gunia

  18. 4 out of 5

    Wendy

  19. 4 out of 5

    Sarah

  20. 5 out of 5

    Tina

  21. 5 out of 5

    Anna Ritchie

  22. 5 out of 5

    Sophie Bouchard

  23. 4 out of 5

    Brooke Boldt

  24. 5 out of 5

    Rachel

  25. 5 out of 5

    Janna

  26. 4 out of 5

    Suzi

  27. 4 out of 5

    Kateryna

  28. 5 out of 5

    Dani

  29. 4 out of 5

    Kim Fitzsimmons

  30. 5 out of 5

    Tara Duff

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