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Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship

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Mira Kirshenbaum (I Love You, But I Don't Trust You), an international bestselling author and world-renowned therapist, draws on years of counseling experience to lead readers through relationship ambivalence. A careful line of 36 questions and self-analysis techniques designed to get to the heart of relationship and marriage problems.  This straightforward and practical a Mira Kirshenbaum (I Love You, But I Don't Trust You), an international bestselling author and world-renowned therapist, draws on years of counseling experience to lead readers through relationship ambivalence. A careful line of 36 questions and self-analysis techniques designed to get to the heart of relationship and marriage problems.  This straightforward and practical advice is designed for newer and older relationships, and presents a plethora of information and experience in a clear, concise manner.           .


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Mira Kirshenbaum (I Love You, But I Don't Trust You), an international bestselling author and world-renowned therapist, draws on years of counseling experience to lead readers through relationship ambivalence. A careful line of 36 questions and self-analysis techniques designed to get to the heart of relationship and marriage problems.  This straightforward and practical a Mira Kirshenbaum (I Love You, But I Don't Trust You), an international bestselling author and world-renowned therapist, draws on years of counseling experience to lead readers through relationship ambivalence. A careful line of 36 questions and self-analysis techniques designed to get to the heart of relationship and marriage problems.  This straightforward and practical advice is designed for newer and older relationships, and presents a plethora of information and experience in a clear, concise manner.           .

30 review for Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship

  1. 5 out of 5

    Zinta

    I imagine most readers of Mira Kirshenbaum's "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" are leaning towards the going. Most of us tend not to mess with the good, or spend time analyzing why we feel bliss; rather we seek out deeper understanding only when something hurts. Human nature, I suppose. Take notice only when life becomes a pain. But as I read Kirshenbaum's easy to absorb guide on fencesitting relationships, I realized this is a good read even for the best of relationships. Even for those curr I imagine most readers of Mira Kirshenbaum's "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" are leaning towards the going. Most of us tend not to mess with the good, or spend time analyzing why we feel bliss; rather we seek out deeper understanding only when something hurts. Human nature, I suppose. Take notice only when life becomes a pain. But as I read Kirshenbaum's easy to absorb guide on fencesitting relationships, I realized this is a good read even for the best of relationships. Even for those currently between relationships. Why not gain understanding as a preventative measure and avoid the iffy relationship entirely? Kirshenbaum's book uses a series of diagnostic questions to ascertain if a relationship weighs more heavily on the side of staying or leaving. Yet, even as she encourages insights, Kirshenbaum, a trained psychotherapist who offers relationship counseling in Boston, is careful to remain in neutral territory, making no hard and fast judgments. A good therapist, after all, doesn't make decisions for you, or even give advice, as much as she offers guidelines and helps you find the answers for yourself, the right ones for you. Kirshenbaum stays on the up and up throughout. Even when a diagnostic appears to point to a major GO! she gently states: your situation may be different. Fencesitting? Nah. While we are all the same, as human beings, we are also all unique, and our relationships especially so. Take with grain of salt, then, and a recommendation to talk to a therapist one on one if truly stuck. That said, I enjoyed this book and found myself recommending it to several others, regardless of their relationship status quo. The diagnostic questions are good ones. They lead to a good, long look in the mirror, a reassessing of one's own emotional well being, and gauging that one is in, or out, of a relationship for all the right and healthy reasons. And, if you are in a good relationship, the many yes's to Kirshenbaum's questions can rejuvenate any fencesitter, giving new appreciation for maybe what was pretty darn good all along. It's always nice to know you're doing just fine.

  2. 5 out of 5

    Rebecca

    You'll still be confused as hell, but at least you will feel normal. Situation after situation, I could relate to. You'll still be confused as hell, but at least you will feel normal. Situation after situation, I could relate to.

  3. 4 out of 5

    Jeff Poole

    The premise of this book is that trying to weigh the options of leaving or staying in a relationship is a losing game...but it's also what most of us do when we feel uncertain about the relationship we are in. A relationship can feel good one day and bad the next, so it is almost impossible to weigh the good against the bad. Instead, this book takes the approach of asking a series of questions. Some questions focus on what we might think of as minimum qualities for a relationship: When the relat The premise of this book is that trying to weigh the options of leaving or staying in a relationship is a losing game...but it's also what most of us do when we feel uncertain about the relationship we are in. A relationship can feel good one day and bad the next, so it is almost impossible to weigh the good against the bad. Instead, this book takes the approach of asking a series of questions. Some questions focus on what we might think of as minimum qualities for a relationship: When the relationship was at it's best, was it really very good? Does your relationship support your having fun together? Some questions focus on qualities that make a relationship a positive experience: Do you have an unique sexual attraction to your partner? Is there a demonstrated capacity and mechanism for genuine forgiveness in your relationship? A few questions focus on signs that you've made up your mind, but just haven't realized it yet: If God give you permission to leave the relationship, would you be relieved? Have you already made a concrete commitment to pursue a course of action or lifestyle that definately excludes your partner? The majority of question focus on "deal-breakers", or characteristics that predict an unhappy relationship: Has there been more than one incident of physical violence in your relationship? Do you have a basic, recurring, never-completely-going-away feeling of humiliation or invisibility in your relationship? Have you gotten to the point, when your partner says something, that you usually feel it's more likely that they are lying than they are telling the truth? A relationship where you feel demeaned, where there is no trust, or where there is a constant threat of physical violence should be left, regardless of the good things it has going for it. It's easy to convince yourself that the good offsets the bad, but some things are simply too bad to put up with, and significantly predict unhappiness. On the other hand, if one has a relationship where they feel supported, they can trust their partner, where both parties are attracted to each other and enjoy touching each other, and they think their partner is truly a good person, it is likely that the bad parts in the relationship can be overcome and that the good is enough to make the relationship worth staying in. I found this book exceptionally helpful for me when resolving my feelings about my marriage. Like most relationships, there was both good and bad, and trying to decide if it was more good or bad was driving me insane. This book allowed me to really evaluate the good and bad parts and give me the confidence to make a decision with very little questioning of it later. The fact that a book gave me the confidence I couldn't get from friends, family, or therapists, was really impressive. I highly recommend it for anyone suffering from indecision about a relationship.

  4. 5 out of 5

    Chris

    I'm going to quote a top Amazon review: My wife and I have been married six years and have had marital troubles for nearly a year. However, we are taking very concrete steps to try to address them and we're making good progress. We're learning a lot more about ourselves and each other, about personalities and temperaments and what influences them. Now we are better able to appreciate how those factors manifest in our day-to-day behavior. It is hard work, but we both agree that in the end it's wor I'm going to quote a top Amazon review: My wife and I have been married six years and have had marital troubles for nearly a year. However, we are taking very concrete steps to try to address them and we're making good progress. We're learning a lot more about ourselves and each other, about personalities and temperaments and what influences them. Now we are better able to appreciate how those factors manifest in our day-to-day behavior. It is hard work, but we both agree that in the end it's worth it – regardless of the eventual outcome of our marriage. This book was recommended to me by a person that I have generally known to have good judgement, so I took a look. I can say without a doubt that if I had read this book a year ago, my wife and I would now be divorced and that decision would have been the biggest mistake of our lives. Several of the so-called guidelines pointed to behavior on my wife's part AND others on my own part that would have caused each of us to conclude that we would be more happy if we left than stayed. The method of decision making suggested by this book is bereft of the kind of hard work it really takes to evaluate the future of a relationship and the behavior of people in relationships. It fails to explore personality types – a cornerstone to understanding why your partner may behave the way he or she behaves. It also assumes the problem MUST reside within your partner, not within yourself. In my relationship, the problem was 80% of my own creation. But, through self-evaluation and study we have been able to LEARN more about our own personalities so that now we can better appreciate our differences and give our love for one another a chance to flourish. Unfortunately, this book rests on the premise that people are inflexible, cannot observe themselves and that their mates cannot change themselves, and therefore, whatever you've got is as good as it will get. I disagree and urge anyone who reads this to use great caution. Mira Kirshenbaum has attempted to boil life and relationships into a simplicity that belittles the capacity of humans to love and change.

  5. 4 out of 5

    Rima

    If u can relate to the title then this is a must read. I read it in 3 days. While i left the book still feeling 50/50 about the relationship, it was a logical, well informed 50/50 rather than a previously confused state. Over time that 50/50 lead to a big STAY, with the help of other books like Hold Me Tight by Dr Johnson, Dealbreakers by Sharon Marshall and 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman.

  6. 4 out of 5

    Stephanie Michaud

    Insightful. Crazy. Depressing. Hopeful. Clarity. Shocking. Confusing. A really good read for people really fucked-up in their marriage.

  7. 4 out of 5

    Wendy

    When you are ambivalent about a relationship, you close down and spend all your energy defending your heart. Reading this book made me realize that I have an amazing partner in life. The questions make you analyze those things that make a relationship strong -- despite the curveballs that life throws us. I think this is a good read for people thinking about marrying and really helpful for those of us who temporarily forgot what made their hearts sing in the first place. The best part I think is When you are ambivalent about a relationship, you close down and spend all your energy defending your heart. Reading this book made me realize that I have an amazing partner in life. The questions make you analyze those things that make a relationship strong -- despite the curveballs that life throws us. I think this is a good read for people thinking about marrying and really helpful for those of us who temporarily forgot what made their hearts sing in the first place. The best part I think is that you come away from the book feeling peace. The author is unapologetically direct. She never tells you what to do; rather she shares years of insight and research which tell you how other people who answered the questions felt when they made their decisions. It's really eye-opening and relationship saving. (If you end something that is at its core -- unsustainable -- it is kinder for all to end it.)

  8. 4 out of 5

    Cheryl

    I liked the cut & dried, black & white approach to this book. Author is forward about what she thinks is wrong or right in a relationship. Sometimes, I want someone to just tell me, strait up, "hey, that stinks" or "hey, that's ok". I won't always agree, but I wnt feedback. Somehow, the way she portrays certain couples, she is pretty specific when she says, "this couple probably shouldn't be together" and "this one should". That doesn't mean it's easy for me, the reader, to really decide whether I liked the cut & dried, black & white approach to this book. Author is forward about what she thinks is wrong or right in a relationship. Sometimes, I want someone to just tell me, strait up, "hey, that stinks" or "hey, that's ok". I won't always agree, but I wnt feedback. Somehow, the way she portrays certain couples, she is pretty specific when she says, "this couple probably shouldn't be together" and "this one should". That doesn't mean it's easy for me, the reader, to really decide whether 1) I fully agree with her judgements, and 2) whether my relationship falls into one category or another, anyway. But she does provide tools to help the reader evaluate their relationships, and her approach is very helpful.

  9. 4 out of 5

    Gypsy

    This book was sitting in my queue for over 5 years, and I FINALLY got to read it. All I can say is that if I had read the book when I first discovered it and went through all the diagnostic questions laid out in the book, then I would have identified myself as being in the ‘relationship ambivalence” state a long time ago and did something about it a lot sooner. The book goes through a series of diagnostic questions to provide clarity on whether an “iffy” relationship is "too good to leave or too This book was sitting in my queue for over 5 years, and I FINALLY got to read it. All I can say is that if I had read the book when I first discovered it and went through all the diagnostic questions laid out in the book, then I would have identified myself as being in the ‘relationship ambivalence” state a long time ago and did something about it a lot sooner. The book goes through a series of diagnostic questions to provide clarity on whether an “iffy” relationship is "too good to leave or too bad to stay", with plenty of examples & case studies. At the end of the book, the author lists additional resources (books) on how to move on if you chose to go; and another list on how to strengthen your relationship & improve communication if you chose to stay. This is not a book for you if you’re looking for a quick answer or some kind of an external approval to get out of your current relationship. In fact, I thought the book was a bit long winded & wishy-washy initially. But do it right, go through the 30+ diagnostic questions and think it through, at least you'll finally get clarity/closure by the end of the book on how you should proceed with your relationship.

  10. 5 out of 5

    Lisa

    i have recommended this to several women STUCK in relationships that were exactly that: too good to leave (translated "dont wanna be alone") and too bad to stay (unhealthy or violent or going nowhere). in every case, they found the courage to leave forging a new life and often finding new, true love - never once looking back. i have recommended this to several women STUCK in relationships that were exactly that: too good to leave (translated "dont wanna be alone") and too bad to stay (unhealthy or violent or going nowhere). in every case, they found the courage to leave forging a new life and often finding new, true love - never once looking back.

  11. 4 out of 5

    Katja

    This an excellent guide for people who are stuck thinking about leaving their relationship but haven’t been able to come to any conclusions. Mira throws out the ‘balancing scale’ approach to decision-making (how do you weigh up hundreds of pieces of ever-changing information anyway?) in favour of a clinical ‘diagnostic’ approach. This is a genius move because it means that just one critical piece of information can effectively make the decision for you. Which makes a lot of sense – if your husba This an excellent guide for people who are stuck thinking about leaving their relationship but haven’t been able to come to any conclusions. Mira throws out the ‘balancing scale’ approach to decision-making (how do you weigh up hundreds of pieces of ever-changing information anyway?) in favour of a clinical ‘diagnostic’ approach. This is a genius move because it means that just one critical piece of information can effectively make the decision for you. Which makes a lot of sense – if your husband is the best partner in the world EXCEPT when he beats you black and blue, it doesn’t matter how great he is at other times, you only need to know that there is recurrent physical violence to know that things probably won’t get better and you should leave. There are 30+ pieces of potentially revelatory information here, as Mira asks the important, deal-breaking questions one by one (all of which I wrote down for myself because they are absolute gold). She also does this in a very effective and easy-to-read way and you can tell she knows her stuff. For a select group of people suffering relationship ambivalence, this really could be life-changing stuff. And it was a darn good read too!

  12. 4 out of 5

    Christine

    this books is a really good guide for those trying to figure out if they should stay or go in a relationship... it starts you out with a scenario, followed by question(s) which build upon each other and lead up to your answer: stay or go. it is a combination of self-help and workbook. if you're one of those that keep falling into the "gray" of the relationship, this book will help you keep things "black and white", which will help you be more objective when evaluating what can be a major life de this books is a really good guide for those trying to figure out if they should stay or go in a relationship... it starts you out with a scenario, followed by question(s) which build upon each other and lead up to your answer: stay or go. it is a combination of self-help and workbook. if you're one of those that keep falling into the "gray" of the relationship, this book will help you keep things "black and white", which will help you be more objective when evaluating what can be a major life decision. a good book - read it.

  13. 5 out of 5

    Lynn

    This book was amazing in helping me decide what to do about the ambivalent relationship I have been in for over 5 years!!!! If you've been juggling whether to stay in a relationship or leave, seriously....pick this book up & give it a whirl! It defines issues in a diagnostic fashion instead of weighing pros & cons. This book was amazing in helping me decide what to do about the ambivalent relationship I have been in for over 5 years!!!! If you've been juggling whether to stay in a relationship or leave, seriously....pick this book up & give it a whirl! It defines issues in a diagnostic fashion instead of weighing pros & cons.

  14. 4 out of 5

    Jennifer

    This book helped me move out of ambivalence and see that my marriage was the source of my unhappiness I recommend this to anyone who feels stuck and unhappy in a relationship.

  15. 5 out of 5

    Cade

    I have to say I'm fairly disappointed given the largely glowing reviews this book tends to receive. This edition is now going on twenty-three years old having been published in 1997 [per what I'm seeing the first edition was in 1996], and unlike some self-help books that are just as old or much older, I largely do not feel like it's aged very well. Twenty-three years might not seem like a lot for the field of interpersonal relationships, but insofar as this book is concerned it definitely makes I have to say I'm fairly disappointed given the largely glowing reviews this book tends to receive. This edition is now going on twenty-three years old having been published in 1997 [per what I'm seeing the first edition was in 1996], and unlike some self-help books that are just as old or much older, I largely do not feel like it's aged very well. Twenty-three years might not seem like a lot for the field of interpersonal relationships, but insofar as this book is concerned it definitely makes a lot of the content feel pretty dated. That's not to say that there isn't value here. What this book is good at is offering up some questions that will probably make you think about some aspects of things you hadn't previously considered. However, as a so-called "diagnostic manual" I have doubts you're going to find the clarity Kirshenbaum outright assumes you will have by the end of the book. While I wouldn't expect any single book to give forthright answers about such in-depth topics as these, this book grossly oversold itself as some be-all-end-all to the specific question it focuses all of its pages on. It also holds itself out as being partner neutral, but having read the whole book, it's clearly (to me) intended for a female audience. That isn't a bad thing, but it does make the book feel a bit dishonest when it tries to bridge this gap in a few places by adding in "her" or "hers," but then immediately reverts to feeling well.. very much like a 1990s self-help book for middle class or above women. That's actually one of my biggest gripes with the book, despite Kirshenbaum's constant references to her lengthy experience (which I do not question, for the record) this book seems to bring up issues of race and wealth just enough to pretend as though it dealt with them, then proceeds to ignore them entirely. The simple fact is that lot of people won't have access to the safety nets this book presumes they will have, and as such I don't think I'd really recommend this book to a broad audience given its sensitive subject matter. It's a real shame, parts of the book are quite good, but on the whole even these good parts don't merit anything above a "it was ok" (two stars) on the Goodreads rating scale.

  16. 4 out of 5

    Dian Bentinck

    I found the book to be well written and easy to read. The information was presented objectively. Diagnostic questions, examples, real life stories helped put things in context. I think the book is useful regardless of your relationship status. It helps identify positive and necessary aspects of relationships as well as thoughts on how they can be improved and warning signs. The author seems to have a plethora of relevant experience that made the book very credible.

  17. 5 out of 5

    Jennifer

    Helped propel me out of a bad relationship - should be required reading for anyone on the fence about a personal relationship, romantic or otherwise.

  18. 5 out of 5

    Hector

    I love this book, it helped me to put perspective in my life and to evaluate the relationships I allow.

  19. 4 out of 5

    rhodeswarrior

    Disclosure: I doubted whether to add this book to my Goodreads collection, as the subject could be considered highly personal. However, reading books about relationships, or processes, doesn't necessarily mean that something is.. good... or.. bad... or... even happening. Reading books about zombies: does that make me want to eat human flesh? Relationships never 'just' exist. Both partners nees to put in sufficient time, attention and effort to make it work, or to keep on making it work. This book Disclosure: I doubted whether to add this book to my Goodreads collection, as the subject could be considered highly personal. However, reading books about relationships, or processes, doesn't necessarily mean that something is.. good... or.. bad... or... even happening. Reading books about zombies: does that make me want to eat human flesh? Relationships never 'just' exist. Both partners nees to put in sufficient time, attention and effort to make it work, or to keep on making it work. This book can help with that, as it offers practical questions with regards to the status of the relationship. In that regard each relationship can benefit from the book, 'good' or 'bad'. The book itself is nicely set up, although some parts get a bit repetitive over time. I have the feeling that some paragraphs here and there could be edited out, without sacrificing the message or style. But that's highly personal... Something else personal: I found the Dutch translation mediocre at best. Sentences weren't fluent, and at times I wanted to grab the original English version. All in all, I would (still) recommend this book as 'discussion starter' for partners in any state of their relationship. Similar to feelings, the truth can never be wrong...

  20. 5 out of 5

    Catherine Kubiak

    This book was great. I really enjoyed learning about factors of intimate interpersonal relationships that make a relationship to good to leave, or too bad to stay in. I was only reading it out of curiosity as I am not in a relationship that I am ambivalent about however it was fascinating applying some of the concepts to past relationships and understanding behaviours and differing perspectives that could could be deal breakers. I would recommend strongly to those questioning their relationship This book was great. I really enjoyed learning about factors of intimate interpersonal relationships that make a relationship to good to leave, or too bad to stay in. I was only reading it out of curiosity as I am not in a relationship that I am ambivalent about however it was fascinating applying some of the concepts to past relationships and understanding behaviours and differing perspectives that could could be deal breakers. I would recommend strongly to those questioning their relationship but also to those who are interested in improving their role in their current relationship.

  21. 5 out of 5

    Michaela Riley

    It can be the hardest decision you will ever make, trying to decide if you stay with someone who you love, but can do really hurtful things. This book helped me figure out what I needed to do. Thank you Mira, for your insight and candor.

  22. 4 out of 5

    Jon Longworth

    This book was really, really helpful for me. I'd already left my marriage of 22 years for 6 months or so but I was wracked with conflicting emotions - guilt, incredible relief, and everything in-between including confusion. The author helps give a rare degree of perspective and objectivity which is almost impossible to get otherwise. To get that perspective you can't ask your friends, co-workers, you can't ask your family - you certainly can't ask a new partner or your old partner. You're alone This book was really, really helpful for me. I'd already left my marriage of 22 years for 6 months or so but I was wracked with conflicting emotions - guilt, incredible relief, and everything in-between including confusion. The author helps give a rare degree of perspective and objectivity which is almost impossible to get otherwise. To get that perspective you can't ask your friends, co-workers, you can't ask your family - you certainly can't ask a new partner or your old partner. You're alone with your doubts and misery. By stepping through scenarios and explaining what may be happening and then building consistent frameworks that show which situations are salvageable and which are in all likelihood terminal it helps bring a degree of order and sense to what is a very emotional and conflicted situation. The author does this in several different dimensions from male and female perspectives, providing examples and case histories to illustrate and explain each point. Its very re-assuring and helps take-away the sense of isolation and the feeling that you are the only person in this particular situation. So I would absolutely recommend this book to anyone who was considering separation or who is recently separated but is going through inner turmoil. One thing I liked about the book was its even-handedness. Its neither for nor against separation - it just tries to step through a decision making process. If you are in this situation you have enough other people advocating one course or the other - something that allows you time to think clearly for yourself, compare and consider like this book is so valuable. It does make the point that putting off an uncomfortable decision and not confronting a situation because of a partners behaviour, financial pressures, or other issues is not the right thing to do - and almost always makes things worse. Although I personally think that children in a relationship are a special case, which in all likelihood raises the 'pain' threshold before separation becomes the answer to a great degree. All in all I'm very glad I bought this book

  23. 4 out of 5

    C

    A friend talked about this and I decided to take a look. It's an excellent book that is intended to be a relationship diagnostic tool. She breaks down issues into some key deal breakers (an obvious one: physical abuse - written for people who are still in a relationship despite physical abuse), and then continues to break it down to more subtle things that erode a relationship over time (a partner struggling for power/control, someone who refuses to address difficult topics, etc.). The tone is p A friend talked about this and I decided to take a look. It's an excellent book that is intended to be a relationship diagnostic tool. She breaks down issues into some key deal breakers (an obvious one: physical abuse - written for people who are still in a relationship despite physical abuse), and then continues to break it down to more subtle things that erode a relationship over time (a partner struggling for power/control, someone who refuses to address difficult topics, etc.). The tone is pragmatic, the author is experienced in her field. While there's nothing harsh about it at all, it would not be what I'd call "soft" self-help where there's a lot of talk about positive/negative energy and that sort of thing. It was more like reading a well written Jeep troubleshooting manual for a clunk in the engine you haven't been able to pin down. I'm usually a bit wishy washy on self-help books and flip through or bail out about half way - this one I read cover to cover. I really liked her insight into issues I would have never thought about and I liked the practical language. I think it's appropriate both for a couple struggling with the decision to stay together, or for one who wants to take their relationship in for a tuneup and make sure all is in good working order. For me, I felt some points are great talking points, others were eye opening... as in "I hadn't admitted to myself I was doing that."

  24. 5 out of 5

    Colleen Wainwright

    A little lingo-cutesy in places, could use better indexing, and falls short of the "step-by-step" promise in the subtitle (although that looked like an overpromise to begin with). And I recognize there's a danger in codifying something like this, both from the standpoint of the person who breezes through their unexamined life and someone too broken to recognize hazards to their physical safety. But for the overthinkers and self-flagellators, parts of this book are a boon, even post-relationship. A little lingo-cutesy in places, could use better indexing, and falls short of the "step-by-step" promise in the subtitle (although that looked like an overpromise to begin with). And I recognize there's a danger in codifying something like this, both from the standpoint of the person who breezes through their unexamined life and someone too broken to recognize hazards to their physical safety. But for the overthinkers and self-flagellators, parts of this book are a boon, even post-relationship.

  25. 5 out of 5

    Joanna

    given to me by a fellow therapist about relationsip ambivalence. the questions are probably the most helpful. given that its the first book I've seen on a subject that seems to have little written, its probably the best out there (from what I know) but it seems to lack some depth - I was hoping it might invite exploration of the underlying emotions/desires/longings. That being said, it's probably quite helpful for the 'decision-making', cerebral view. given to me by a fellow therapist about relationsip ambivalence. the questions are probably the most helpful. given that its the first book I've seen on a subject that seems to have little written, its probably the best out there (from what I know) but it seems to lack some depth - I was hoping it might invite exploration of the underlying emotions/desires/longings. That being said, it's probably quite helpful for the 'decision-making', cerebral view.

  26. 5 out of 5

    Simona

    Reminding us to avoid the trap of false dichotomies (column A good, column B bad, whichever list is longer dictates what you should do), this book offers a way to examine a relationship (any relationship, not just with your S.O.!) and identify patterns that are likely to result in problems, and figure out how many of the issues apply to your situation and to what degree. A thoughtful and powerful way to begin thinking about and fixing your relational patterns.

  27. 4 out of 5

    Greg Davis

    Really disappointing, in the end, as the book primarily focuses on asking the reader to clarify the failings of their partner (rather than on the relationship), as a tool in deciding whether to stay or leave. Intoxicating, however, as it leads the reader down the path of decision, in a direction that may ultimately be not in their own best interest, notwithstanding that it feels good to have a partner in angst. Can't really recommend it. Really disappointing, in the end, as the book primarily focuses on asking the reader to clarify the failings of their partner (rather than on the relationship), as a tool in deciding whether to stay or leave. Intoxicating, however, as it leads the reader down the path of decision, in a direction that may ultimately be not in their own best interest, notwithstanding that it feels good to have a partner in angst. Can't really recommend it.

  28. 4 out of 5

    Charlotte

    After years of vacillating, this book helped me decide that my marriage was, indeed, too good to leave. It's a no nonsense, itemized breakdown of the components of marriage. It allows the reader to take a step back and really think about things and helps remove the urge to impulsively storm out the door. It's not written in a way that would try to talk everyone into staying. It breaks things down and then adds everything back together to help the reader decide for him/herself. After years of vacillating, this book helped me decide that my marriage was, indeed, too good to leave. It's a no nonsense, itemized breakdown of the components of marriage. It allows the reader to take a step back and really think about things and helps remove the urge to impulsively storm out the door. It's not written in a way that would try to talk everyone into staying. It breaks things down and then adds everything back together to help the reader decide for him/herself.

  29. 4 out of 5

    Bethany

    It's a refreshing spin on the "how to make a relationship work" book. This one asks questions to help you clarify whether or not it's worth it and why--basically helping you find peace with whatever decision you ultimately make. I'd recommend it, if nothing else to help people stop thinking in circles. It's a refreshing spin on the "how to make a relationship work" book. This one asks questions to help you clarify whether or not it's worth it and why--basically helping you find peace with whatever decision you ultimately make. I'd recommend it, if nothing else to help people stop thinking in circles.

  30. 4 out of 5

    Laura Flowers

    This book has helped me twice now The first time it told me that my relationship was too good to leave. 12 years later it has shown me that I will be happier if I leave. It’s a heartbreaking journey, but this book will always point you in the right direction. I recommend it to everyone.

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